A Christmas Gift !

[Guerini Guy]

A young man called Chris, from London, wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland.
 
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
 
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.
 
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items - the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter : -
 
Dear Maggie,
 
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones which are easier to remove.
 
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.
 
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
 
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
 
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
 
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
 
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
 
All my love,
 
Chris xx
 
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
 
 
. . . . . . . . Chris never saw Maggie again ? 

 

[RichW1234]

Great joke, nice one!

 

[Mick Shaw]

Wonderfull !!! :lol:   :lol:   :lol:

 

[LDW1970]

Very good

 

[** Pending Removal **]

Hmmmmm obviously knows nothing about Harrods gloves (blow in them - written by a man who has obviously only been in rubber washing up gloves).

 

[sibaldib]

Briiliant

 

[** Pending Removal **]

The Australian Army

Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!
I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

 

[** Pending Removal **]

Why it's important to understand English

I had a bunch of dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

I stood in the short line.

Just one lady in front of me was an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.  Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!" 

 

[RobertBeard]

My wife and I have nearly died laughing over this one - brilliant!