Made me laugh

[maddmatt]

As the doctor went through my notes, he said, "The surgery has risks. You will almost certainly regain the sight in your eyes but there is a chance it will affect your ability to maintain an erection."

I said, "How come?"

He said, "Well ... your wife is very ugly."

 

[** Pending Removal **]

L. O. L.

 

[** Pending Removal **]

The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow

b.) Thrush,

c) Magpie,

d) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,

''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ...."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy."Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a Fookin clock !!!"

 

[maddmatt]

Scientists have just discovered how new teeth can be grown from urine.

Good news if you drink Fosters

 

[Blackstar Ninja]

The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow

b.) Thrush,

c) Magpie,

d) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,

''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ...."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy."Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a Fookin clock !!!"

.


That is the funniest one I've heard for ages!

 

[SIMON-B]

Paddys wife comes home to find all her sex toys nailed to the wall, when Paddy sees his wife looking mighty pissed off he says " I did what ya fecking asked me to do " No Paddy ya tick fecker, I asked for a dado rail ".:huh:

 

[sibaldib]

Excellent - particularly the dado rail!

 

[maddmatt]

My mates wife walked out on him six days ago and he's really taken to the drink.

I said to him "Dave you need to stop all this partying, she could come back"

 

[Blackstar Ninja]

Yoko Ono has been signed up for 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!'Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for years!

 

[teepee1234]

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two







mates sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget







about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just







want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee







time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have







time to wait for the aesthetic to work!'







 The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave







man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the







pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"







 


 


The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, love, and show him."

 

[teepee1234]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like
to buy some Cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady
replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
     
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law.
I'll lose my licence! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of
bad things will happen. Absolutely Not! You CANNOT have any Cyanide!"
     
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out, no, not a gun, but a
picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife......
       
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me
you had a prescription."

 

[teepee1234]

Buttercups & Golf Balls

 Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods
 and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his
 ball back into play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup
 in the patch.

 All of a sudden . .. .POOF!!

 In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She
 said,'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those
 buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for
 your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter
 for your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll never
 have any butter on anything for the rest of your life!!!

 Then POOF! . . . she was gone!

 After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend,
 'Fred, where are you?'

 Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

 Dave shouts back,

'DON'T SWING, Fred;  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!'

 

[maddmatt]

As I went to reach for the largest cucumber in the supermarket a woman also went to grab it.

"Oh yeah, I bet I know why you want the biggest one," I winked.

"You've got me," she giggled, "do you fancy coming back to mine and watching?"

"No thanks," I replied, "I've got better things to do with my time than stand watching a woman make sandwiches."